How Growing Up Abroad Changes Children: Third Culture Kids, Explained for Parents

Last checked: September 2026. Research on third culture kids is still growing and most studies are small, so findings describe patterns, not predictions about your own child. Treat figures as a starting point for your own research.

If you are moving abroad with children, or already living abroad, you have probably asked yourself some version of this: "Am I giving them something wonderful, or am I taking something away?" It is a fair question, and it usually comes with a side of guilt.

Here is a more useful way to see it. Growing up abroad changes children. Not into better or worse children, but into children shaped by more than one place. Some of those changes are gifts. Some are losses that need care. Most are both at once. Your job is not to avoid change. It is to notice it, name it, and tend to the parts that need tending.

What is a third culture kid?

The idea comes from American sociologists Ruth Hill Useem and John Useem, who studied families living in India in the mid-20th century. It was later made widely known by David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken in their book Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds (first published in 1999; the third edition, updated with Michael V. Pollock, came out in 2017).

Pollock's widely used definition describes a child who has spent "a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents' culture".

The "third culture" is not a country. It is the shared experience of growing up between cultures. A child might hold one passport, have parents from two other countries, and spend their early years somewhere else again. They absorb bits of each place but may not feel fully owned by any of them. Many third culture kids say they feel most at home with other people who grew up the same way, whatever their nationality.

A few points worth knowing:

• It is not only about how long you stay. Two years abroad at 14 can shape a child as much as six years abroad at 2, in different ways.
• It includes many kinds of families. Diplomatic, military, faith-based, corporate, entrepreneurial, and families who simply chose a new life somewhere else.
• Mixed-nationality families count too. Ruth Van Reken later widened the idea to "cross-cultural kids" to include children who grow up between cultures at home.

What do children gain from growing up abroad?

The gains are real, and they are not just nice extras. Research points to several.

Languages

Children who grow up abroad often pick up more than one language, sometimes three or four. Even when they do not become fully fluent, they tend to become comfortable with the idea that there is more than one way to say things. A 2009 study of 79 young teenagers in London by Jean-Marc Dewaele and Jan Pieter van Oudenhoven found that third culture kids and multilingual teens scored higher on open-mindedness than their peers.

Cross-cultural skills

A large 2020 study by Monika de Waal and colleagues, with more than 1,400 students aged 17 to 19, found that third culture kids scored higher on intercultural sensitivity and held more positive beliefs about diversity. The authors concluded that early cross-cultural experience helps children build these skills. In everyday terms: these children often notice unspoken rules, read a room, and adjust how they behave without being told.

Adaptability

Children who have started over before usually know, deep down, that they can do it again. That is not the same as finding it easy. But they carry proof that new beginnings can work out.

A wider sense of normal

A child who has lived in two or three countries knows that school, food, weather, religion, family life and money work differently in different places. Their idea of "normal" is bigger.

Watching their parents do hard things

This one is rarely mentioned. Children learn a lot from watching adults handle difficulty: filling in forms in a new language, making friends from scratch, getting lost and laughing about it, saying "I don't know how this works here, can you help me?" That example teaches resilience better than any talk.

From experience: She is already used to travelling on planes, and she settles into new settings very well and without fear. The outdoor lifestyle is a big plus. She is used to seeing different skin colours and hearing different languages around her every day.

What are the challenges for third culture kids?

The same research that shows the gains also shows the costs. The Dewaele and van Oudenhoven study was subtitled "no gain without pain": the same teenagers who scored higher on open-mindedness scored lower on emotional stability. The researchers linked this to the stress of adapting to new cultures. This does not mean your child will struggle. These are simply the areas to watch.

Unresolved grief from repeated goodbyes

This is the big one. Every move means losing people, places, pets, a bedroom, a favourite shop, a language that was spoken at school. A 2008 study of 43 third culture kids by Kathleen Gilbert found their losses were often invisible to others, so the grief was not recognised or supported. She also described deeper losses: a sense of safety, trust, identity and home.

Because the losses are not deaths, adults often miss them. A child may be told "you'll make new friends" when what they need first is permission to be sad about the old ones. Pollock linked the depth of a friendship to the depth of grief when it ends.

"Where are you from?"

For most people this is small talk. For a third culture kid, it can be the hardest question in the room. The honest answer might take five minutes. A 2021 study by de Waal and Marise Born with 20 adult third culture kids found that many defined belonging through people rather than places. For them, "who I'm from" mattered more than "where I'm from".

Identity and belonging

Your child may feel slightly foreign everywhere, including in the country on their passport. They may pick up the accent, humour or values of the host country and feel out of step with cousins back home. This is not a failure. But it can feel lonely, especially in the teenage years when fitting in matters most.

Restarting, again and again

Each move resets friendships, school standing, sports teams and routines. The first move can feel like an adventure. By the third or fourth, some children stop investing in friendships early, because they expect to leave. Watch for a child who seems "fine" but never quite lets anyone close.

Distance from grandparents and extended family

Children abroad often know their grandparents mainly through screens and holidays. The relationship can still be warm, but it needs more effort from the adults on both sides. When a grandparent becomes ill or dies far away, the child's grief can be complicated by distance and by missing the family rituals of mourning.

Coming "home" can be the hardest move

Repatriation, or moving back to the parents' home country, often surprises families. Parents expect it to be easy. Children may find it harder than any move abroad, because everyone expects them to fit in and they do not. They may not know the slang, the TV shows or the unwritten rules. We cover this in detail in reverse culture shock: why coming home is sometimes the hardest move.

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Does age make a difference?

Yes, a lot. Here is a simple overview. Every child is different, so use this as a guide, not a rule.

Age	What tends to be easier	What tends to be harder	What helps most
Babies and toddlers (0–3)	Home is wherever their main carers are. New languages are absorbed through daily life.	Losing a familiar carer, such as a nanny or childminder. Changes to sleep and routine. Home language can fade quickly if it is not spoken.	Keeping routines steady. Saying goodbye to carers properly. Speaking your home language every day.
Primary age (4–11)	Most children make friends fast and adapt to new schools within months.	They feel losses strongly but may not have words for them. Changes can show up in behaviour rather than talk.	Naming feelings together. Giving small, real choices. Keeping one or two familiar rituals.
Teenagers (12–18)	They understand why the move is happening and can see the benefits.	The hardest age. Friends are central to who they are becoming. They may lose a place they earned (team, role, friendship group). Exams and school systems may not line up.	Involving them early. Protecting time with old friends online. Taking their objections seriously, even if the decision stays the same.

Teenagers deserve extra attention. In an interview with Families in Global Transition, Pollock described losing peer relationships in adolescence as especially painful, because friends play a central part in how teenagers form their identity. If you are moving with a teenager, it is worth reading our honest guide to moving abroad with kids alongside this one.

For the youngest children, the biggest change is often the people who look after them. If you are arranging a nanny, nursery or childminder in a new country, our guide to setting up childcare abroad before you land covers how to plan it so your child has fewer handovers to cope with.

What helps children through a move?

You cannot remove the losses. But you can make sure they are seen, spoken about and grieved well. That is what makes the difference between a loss that heals and one that lingers. These are the tools that come up again and again in the research and practice.

Build a RAFT before you leave

Pollock's RAFT model is one of the most widely used tools for leaving well. Each letter is a step:

• R – Reconciliation. Sort out any conflicts before you go. Unresolved arguments travel with you. Help your child say sorry, or accept an apology, where it matters.
• A – Affirmation. Tell people what they have meant to you. A teacher, a neighbour, a coach, a best friend. Help your child write a card or make a small gift.
• F – Farewells. Say goodbye properly to people, places, pets and things. Visit favourite spots one last time. Take photos. Let your child choose what to say goodbye to.
• T – Think destination. Think realistically about where you are going. Talk about what will be good and what will be hard. Look at pictures, maps and school websites together.

We go into goodbyes in much more detail in saying goodbye is a skill nobody teaches you.

Keep one thing continuous

When everything else changes, children need something that does not. It might be:

• a language spoken at home, whatever the country
• a weekly ritual, such as a family meal, a film night or a bedtime story in a certain way
• a place you return to regularly, such as a grandparent's house or a holiday spot
• a set of objects that always go in their bedroom, wherever that bedroom is
• a family celebration you always keep, in the same way

One solid anchor is worth more than many half-kept traditions.

From experience: We make an effort to make Christmas special. We speak both German and English at home, and we cook German and Jamaican food.

Name the losses out loud

Say the thing. "You really miss your old friends, don't you." "It is hard that Granny is so far away." "It's OK to love it here and still be sad about leaving." Children do not need you to fix the sadness. They need to know it is allowed. Gilbert's research suggests that the losses of third culture kids often go unrecognised. Recognising them is the first step.

It also helps to talk openly about your own losses, at a level your child can manage. Our piece on what you gain and lose moving abroad can help you think this through as a family.

Protect the home language

Research on heritage languages, such as a 2023 review by linguist Silvina Montrul, shows that the amount and quality of exposure matters a great deal. When the local or school language takes over, a child's home language can weaken. This can happen faster than parents expect. Practical ways to protect it:

• Agree who speaks which language at home, and stick to it as much as you can.
• Read books aloud in the home language, even to older children.
• Find other families, clubs or online classes that use the language.
• Make the language useful: video calls with grandparents, songs, games, films.
• Do not panic if your child answers in another language. Keep speaking yours.

Help them stay in touch

Friendships do not have to end when you move. Help younger children send voice messages, drawings or letters. Let older children keep online contact, and plan visits where you can. Some friendships will fade, and that is normal.

Give them some control

Children often feel that moves happen to them. You can hand back some control without handing over the decision. Let them:

• choose the colour of their new room or what goes on the walls
• pack their own "first night" box
• pick one activity or club to try in the new place
• decide which friends to say goodbye to and how

Small choices add up to a feeling of "I had a say in this".

Help them answer "where are you from?"

Practise a short answer together. For example: "I was born in X, my parents are from Y and Z, and I live in W now." Let them know they can give the short version or the long version, depending on who is asking. Some children like to say "It's complicated, want the story?" Having a ready answer takes a lot of stress out of first meetings.

From experience: We are not really worried, but of course we want her to feel connected. From my own childhood, I am repeating independence and outdoor life. What I am doing differently is trying to be at home more than my mum could be when I was little.

What are the signs a child needs more support?

Most children go through a hard patch after a move. Tears, clinginess, anger, tiredness and missing old friends are normal in the first months. The question is how long it lasts and how much it gets in the way of daily life.

Signs it may be time to get more support:

• sadness, worry or anger that does not ease after several months, or gets worse
• pulling away from family and from activities they used to enjoy
• big changes in sleep or eating that last
• refusing to go to school, or a sharp drop in schoolwork
• young children going back to earlier behaviours for a long time
• no friends at all after a reasonable settling-in period, and no interest in making any
• talking about feeling hopeless, worthless or not wanting to be here

Where to go for help: Start with your child's doctor or paediatrician and the school counsellor or pastoral team. International schools often have staff who know third culture kid issues well. If you need a therapist, look for one who works with expat or globally mobile families and, ideally, speaks your child's strongest language. Many now work online, so location is less of a limit.

If a child talks about harming themselves or not wanting to live, do not wait. Contact a doctor, a local emergency service or a crisis line in your country straight away.

Asking for help is not a sign that the move was a mistake. It is part of tending to what the move has changed.

A quick checklist for parents

• Before the move: build a RAFT with each child, in a way that fits their age.
• Choose one continuity anchor and protect it.
• Decide how you will keep the home language strong.
• Plan how your child will stay in touch with two or three important people.
• Give each child at least one real choice about the move.
• In the first months: name losses out loud, and let sadness and excitement sit together.
• Practise the "where are you from?" answer.
• Watch for signs of lasting struggle, and know who you would call.
• If you move home later, prepare for reverse culture shock as seriously as for the first move.

Still deciding where your family should go? Take the 2-minute family destination quiz to see which destinations fit your children's ages, schooling needs and your family's priorities.

Frequently asked questions

Is growing up abroad good or bad for children?

Neither, on its own. Research links it to real gains, such as open-mindedness and intercultural skills, and to real challenges, such as grief and questions of belonging. How the moves are handled, and how much support a child has, shapes which side feels bigger.

What is the best age to move abroad with children?

There is no perfect age. Younger children usually adapt faster, but may lose a home language more easily. Teenagers often find moves hardest, because friendships are so central at that age. Many families try to avoid moving during the final years of secondary school, when exams and university applications are close.

Will my child lose their home language?

They can, especially if the school and local language take over. Daily use at home, reading together and regular contact with other speakers make a big difference. Keep speaking it even if your child answers in another language.

What does RAFT stand for?

Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewells and Think destination. It is a model from David Pollock to help people leave one place well so they can settle into the next.

How can I help my child feel they belong somewhere?

Belonging for many third culture kids comes more from people than from places. Strong family ties, lasting friendships, a shared language and steady rituals can give a child a sense of home that travels with them.

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